• Kristy Clarke

How Do I Communicate My Feelings Better, FFS??

4 easy steps to communicating effectively with your partner, co-worker, friends and family to get your needs met and improve your relationships.

Man deep in thought looking over a lake

I just don't wanna start a fight...

😩 It's the worst when you need to communicate hard feelings to someone and you just don't have the right words. How do I communicate about my painful feelings...without starting an argument or "drama"? I need to feel heard and respected...


Step 1: Identify Your Feeling

Seems simple. But sometimes it's not - at all.

You just know you're feeling some typa' way and it's not positive..😒😑


So....this is what you do.


FIRST >> BREATHE, friend. Just take a damn deep breath for a second so you can think clearly and identity what that feeling is. In your nose and out your mouth, just one or two usually will do the trick. You need to clear your mind.


SECOND >> Give a name to your feeling. If we can't identify them, then how are we supposed to process and understand them? A lot of us just don't have the vocab for this because we don't talk about it much. So I've created a feelings list, or a feelings and emotions list, that you can use. Screenshot the pic or download it for later.


THIRD >> Ask yourself, "Is this something I should be taking personally?" Oftentimes we're just feeling triggered by something so it's important to identify the source of your emotion. This will help alleviate defensiveness and blaming in the discussion.


Identify That Emotion Feelings List and Emotions List

Step 2: "I Feel ____, When You ____I Want____"

👌 This is a targeted, breakthrough sentence right there, friends. This is the best way to communicate feelings to a man (and ladies too, for that matter) and communicate hard feelings to anyone to any situation.


Examples:

  • I Feel annoyed When You leave your clothes outside the laundry basket...I Want them in the basket please.

  • I Feel anxious When You don't call when you say you will...I Want you to be true to your word and call me when you say you will.

  • I Feel left out When You don't invite me out...I Want you to invite me so I feel included.

#ProTip: Only 1 negative feeling at a time.

It will be a challenge BUT do not go bombarding them with 7 feelings and 10 instances and examples! They won't be able to take it all in, you won't feel heard or respected...so just focus on one thing at a time to have successful follow through from the other party.


Used an "I feel, when you, I want" statement today....avoided a fight and got laid

Step 3: Seek Clarification in Open Ended Questions with Empathy

After using your "I Feel___When You___I Want" power statement, you may be looking for some help understanding something the other person did or said.


It's pointless to blame, defend and become passive aggressive.

Your goal is to seek understanding and clarification.


Empathy means we're seeing the world through the other person's eyes and heart. You're putting your own feelings and needs aside for a moment to be in the shoes of the other person.

Instead of:

"Did you even try to get the clothes in the basket?"

Passive Aggressive & Blaming

Ask:

"I know mornings are a rush but can you help me understand why the clothes get so close to the basket but not inside?"

Using empathy to seek understanding

Instead of:

"I always call on time...Did you even remember when you were supposed to call me!?"

Defensive

Ask:

"I know you were tied up with your friends but can you tell me what happened?"

Using empathy to seek understanding

Instead of:

"When you got invited did you just not think I would want to come?"

Passive Aggressive & Blaming

Ask:

"You were probably really excited about the event but how come I wasn't included?"

Using empathy to seek understanding



Step 4: Connection

After you have taken a deep breath, identified your emotion, effectively communicated it, used empathy to gain understanding....


The last thing is CONNECTION! 💓


Connecting again with the person you had the hard feelings with is an important part of maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship. There are a ton of ways you can connect, depending on the relationship you have with the person:

  • Hug

  • Handshake

  • Kiss

  • Genuine smile

  • Quality time together

  • Gift

Know someone who needs to read this? 😜 Share this on social media or email it to them personally, using the social buttons at the top.



XOXO,


Kristy Clarke



PS: If you liked this article, you'll probably also like 5 Ways to Identify Toxic Friends


TL;DR: Communicate your feelings better by identifying your feeling, using "I feel...When you...I want" statements and reconnecting after the talk.


Keywords and hashtags for sharing:

#communication #4steps #feelings #emotion #effective

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